Super Mario Bros. Movie: How High Should You Get?
Mamma Mia
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How High Should You Get For The Super Mario Bros. Movie?
The new Super Mario Bros. movie is objectively good. It’s fast moving, has a good 80’s soundtrack, and is genuinely entertaining. Fuck the critics, look at that audience score.
You’re going to see it. You just want to know how high you should get.
Who are you seeing it with?
Yourself
Not going to question why you’re seeing this on your own. A 35 year old single man seeing a children’s cartoon solo must be very empowering. Assert your independence, bro. You’re a wild stallion. Let’s make it interesting.
Recommendation: Two tabs of acid
Your Kids
Oh boy, you did it now. You’re sitting in a packed theater on a Saturday at 1pm where the median age is six. You’ll barely be able to watch the movie above the sound of children screaming and constant trips to the bathroom. This will not be pleasant. You will not enjoy this.
Recommendation: 3mg Xanax
Your Wife/Girlfriend
“How’s that project at work going honey?”
“I think the risotto was a little overcooked.”
“Do you want to have lunch with my mom on Saturday?”
Rather than squeeze the last bits of conversation out of your stagnant relationship, enjoy a fun movie together.
Recommendation: Split a 10mg THC edible
Your Side Chick
“Why are we going to this small independent theater four towns over?”
“Is your kitchen still being repaired? I can’t wait to see your place one day!”
“Why haven’t you introduced me to any of your friends?”
Less talking babe.
Recommendation: A whole bunch of coke FUCK YES LET’S GOOOOOOOOOO
Your Wife’s Boyfriend
When the three of you go together, she’ll be occupied and you won’t have to worry if she’s enjoying herself. They may even let you sit next to them this time! You’re free to push your boundaries knowing you’ve got two people to get you home safe. Time to get weird.
Recommendation: A bump of Ketamine every 5 minutes
What did you think of The Super Mario Bros. movie? How high did you get?
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Tips For Cheaters
Cheating is wrong* and we never** recommend cheating***. But you got that dawg in you, and who are we to stop you? If you’re going to cheat, you might as well do it right.
Mutually Assured Destruction is a Cold-War era phrase that refers to the United States and USSR’s equal abilities to blow each other’s shit up with nuclear weapons at any time. They shared an equal downside to war, and this kept the other at bay.
I didn’t come here for a history lesson bro, I’m just trying to get laid.
Cheat with married women. Make sure you’re on equal footing and you’re all set. If you’re married and she isn’t, she’s got something over you and can fuck your life up if she decided to get cute.
Married women have as much to lose as you. Hey, you’ll actually have something in common.
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